I Believe
I am Mallika Sherawat, a person who will always do things her own way in this man's world.
I have been in Bollywood for three years and I have crossed so many time zones. But I have always been focussed and kept my goals in sight. Today, I am successful because I have stuck to my guns and done whatever I've always believed in, with honesty and passion.
I was named Reema Lamba by my parents. But I christened myself as 'Mallika' as I stepped into the film industry.
It wasn't because of any superstition or numerology. It was merely because there were so many Reemas in the film industry. I wanted to stand out, so I changed my name to Mallika, which means empress and adopted my mother's maiden surname 'Sherawat' as my own.
Anyway, coming back to my childhood, I come from a wealthy zamindar family - my dad is a landlord and my mother, a housewife. I have a younger brother Vikram and we lived in Rohtak, a small town in Haryana.
Even, as a child, I was totally consumed with the desire to be an actress. I used to always imitate actresses and watch movies on the sly.
I remember one incident way back when I was 13 or 14. I was imitating Madhuri Dixit in front of the mirror and I had put on lipstick. My mother walked into the room and she was aghast. It was unimaginable for her to see me even ape an actress. And she gave me such a thrashing that I remember it till date. I really am not a rebel on the whole. But I guess when one is continuously repressed, it builds up a desire to break all shackles.
My first taste of freedom was during my college days.
My parents admitted me in Miranda house, Delhi, and it was great, as it was the first time I was truly free. My dad, of course, who is very orthodox, made it necessary that the college I opted for would be an all girls college. But that did not make any diffrence, as I found college life such fun. I did everything what every normal teenager would do - bunk classes, go to the canteen or watch movies. I used to go to different colleges for festivals or just lounge around in their canteens. Something I had never dared to do in Rohtak. It was so great and freedom was never so beautiful. I was, of course, a behenji of the first order in college. In fact, girls used to tease me and call me 'BTM', which means 'Behenji Trying to be Mod'. And honestly speaking, that really was the truth.
As for my career plans, I decided to become an actress. I left home and landed in Mumbai, the land of celluloid dreams.
When I first told my parents that I wanted to be an actress, they thought I was joking. So the most difficult part of my life was to make that decision to be an actress, knowing that there would be total family opposition. I knew they would not support me in any way.
But I stuck to my guns all the same and my parents were aghast and furious. In Mumbai, I found a place for myself in a dingy, dirty rat hole in a really old building in one of the bylanes in Juhu. I confess, I was apprehensive, especially as I did not know anybody in this big city. Furthermore, back home, I had heard so many scary stories about Bollywood that I was obviously insecure. And Mumbai, in the beginning, for a single woman with no apparent male support, can be very intimidating.
One of the first persons I met in the glamour business was photographer Farrokh Chothia.
I had made the rounds to other photographers too. But with Farrokh, I struck gold. He took one look at me and said, 'We are shooting tomorrow'. I got to know only later that Farrokh is very choosy about the girls he works with and I was really very lucky that he liked my face immediately. The irony was that at that time, I didn't even know how choosy Farrokh was. The pictures that Farrokh clicked were gorgeous and I passed them around to different agencies. That's how the cycle started.
In the beginning, I got calls from chota mota ad agencies. But I took up all the assignments as that was the only way I could survive in Mumbai.
After quarreling with my parents, I could hardly call up home and say 'I need money'. I remember selling the earrings given by my nani, which I had always treasured, to survive. That's something that still bothers me.
I did get a lot of assignments. But it was mostly for mediocre products. It was still a struggle. At that point, this thought did cross my mind: have I made a wrong decision? There are lakhs of girls in this city like me, what chance do I have to make it big? But I persisted.
My first 'big' break was an advertisement, which I had done for BPL with Amitabh Bachchan.
I was extremely excited to work with Amitabh Bachchan as I had always been a huge fan of his. But unfortunately, that ad was never released. The next assignment I did was with Shah Rukh Khan for 'Santro'. And I was in the ad for precisely three seconds. But my excitement touched new peaks. I must have passed the VHS tape of that ad to so many people, that it was unimaginable. And the funny thing was that I was hardly there in the ad. It was like, there I was and you blink, there I wasn't. But nonetheless, I was in it and that meant a lot to me.
And this ad proved lucky for me as at that time the produers of 'Khwahish' were looking for a new girl and I sent this tape to them.
Right from the beginning, I was told everything about the film-the 17 Kisses, the provocative 'hot' scenes et al.
I will be very honest here. Nobody forced me to do anything against my will or exploited me in any way. Nobody put a gun against my head and said, 'Smooch 17 times'. If I did anything on screen, it was entirely my decision and I did everything out of my own free will and out of my own choice. I agree it was an unconventional path that I chose but that's the way I am. I must have been the first heroine in Bollywood who has, in her debut film itself, enacted a scene where she goes to a chemist and asks for condoms on her wedding night.
My next film 'Murder' too came to me in a very interesting manner.
Since 'Khwahish' was widely talked about, NDTV invited me to take part in a talk show hosted by Rajdeep Sardesai. Beside me, there was also Anil Dharkar and Madhu Kishwar on the panel and the topic was, 'Are Indians hypocritical about sex?'. I very vociferously avered that Indians are definitely hyporitical about sex. They have different rules for men and different rules for women. And this' ironically, is the land of the 'Kamasutra', where you see sex on the walls of Khajuraho and in so many things in ancient India. Anyway, that show caught Mahesh Bhatt's eye. He called me up and narrated the script of 'Murder' to me. I couldn't believe it. It was fantastic. My second film portrayed me as a contemporary Indian woman with strong values. But she is also capable of infidelity. I loved it. This is actually happening everywhere but because of the hypocritical society that we live in, we choose to ignore it.
One incident while shooting that was talked about by all and sundry, was the entire brouhaha about my nude scene.
It was to be shot in Bangkok, in an indoor swimming pool. Mahesh Bhatt had told me about it right from the start. He wanted to create an illusion of me swimming naked in the pool. I was okay with it though I did ask for a body double, which was fine with Mahesh Bhatt too. But the day we were going to shoot the scene, I got cold feet and I just couldn't do it. That day, I realised that there is a censor inside me. At the very last moment, I told Mahesh Bhatt that I couldn't do it. And, was he furious! In front of the entire crew, he screamed and shouted at me. It was very humiliating. I knew I was in the wrong. But I just couldn't go ahead with it. I knew that in a country like India, even if you do a nude scene with a body double, you still wouldn't be spared.
'Murder' turned out to be a huge hit and I am told more women go to watch 'Murder' than men.
Thank God for it. In an era where satellites are landing on Mars and human cloning is being considered, India seems to have finally gotten up to the fact that women too need sexual gratification. I am also breaking ground here. The success of 'Murder' has questioned the old system, wherein heroes were the ones who supposedly got the initial or the box office hits. This is the first time a film, which is woman-centric and has a new heroine, has got such a huge initial and is a box office hit.
When I started out in my career, I told myself that to want a share of the pie in this dream factory called Bollywood, is not the prerogative of only Malabar Hill or Juhu girls, Even girls from interior India can triumph. So today, when I have achieved a small slice of the pie, I think of it as the triumph of small town India. There are lots of girls and boys like me who come from interior India like Bihar, Haryana, Ahmedabad. They want to be film stars. But Bollywood, I should point out, is very feudal. You have these dynasties ruling the roost. In fact, that's what gave me strength, I told myself what could be worse, Haryana or Bollywood?
Success is all about taking risks. I feel the days of being conservative are over.
Now it's time for filmmakers to take note of the contemporary aspects of life. This is the age of instant gratification. I honestly confess that I have used the age old route of sexuality and titillation to achieve my stardom. But I do have other dimensions to me too. It is up to the filmmakers how they want to use my erotica to suit the current audience. Today, in India, 70 per cent of the population is below 30 and they are the ones who watch my films. I did this interview with CNN anchor Riz Khan who called me the youth icon of India
And it isn't only the men who comprise my fan following I get a lot of fan mail from women who tell me that they look up to me for shattering the hypocrisy and self prescribed inhibitions all around. I did this live interview with Radio Mirchi, where one girl called me up and said, 'Mallika, you are my idol. I am from this small town, show me the way.' People say that they get encouraged by my success. They think if Mallika from Haryana can be successful, so can we.
A lot of hue and cry has been made about my personal life. I have never denied my marriage or my divorce. There is a price you pay for your success.
It goes with the territory, but I take controversies in my stride. And in this moment of success and happiness, I prefer not to talk about something that was so traumatic. I just want people to respect my privacy. But does anyone understand the meaning of the word 'PRIVACY'? Tomorrow, the media will want to know what colour panties I wear, should I tell them that too?
Even the misunderstanding I had with Channel V was blown out of proportion.
What actually happened was that Channel V has this programme called 'Phone Booth' and they tried to play a prank on me, which was absolutely okay because I know I can take a joke. But in this so-called prank, Ashmit Patel, who called me for the channel, posed as a 'Time' magazine reporter, and called me 'a bloody bitch'. This was very humiliating. My grouse was that, would you do that to a Kareena Kapoor or any other heroine with a big family connection? Just because I don't have a Godfather or a filmi connection, they try to take liberties with me. I chose to talk about it instead of keeping quiet because I wanted them to know that I was really offened. Of course, now it has all been sorted out and we are all friends. But I think I stuck to my guns and made my point clear.
Many top heroines in the industry are taking notice of me.
I believe Kareena Kapoor has screened my film for her friends. Well, what can I say? Except a big thank you, isn't that a big compliment? Aishwarya, I believe, has commented on me showing a lot of skin. Well, her biggest asset is her face, mine is my body. If she stops showing off her face, I'll stop showing off my body.
Success, of course, does change things.
Family members, who were earlier very vicious and used to say, 'her films are watched only by rickshawallas', have turned around now. They are sugary-sweet now and jump at the chance to be called my aunt or my uncle. Suddenly, I have more relatives than I had before.
But I must admit, success is, also, very heady. I have had boys falling on my car bonnet screaming out 'Hamara khwahish is meeting you.' On my nation-wide promotional tour for 'Murder', I went for the noon show at Delite cinema in Delhi where 'Murder' was playing. It was on the same day the India Pakistan cricket match was on. Surprise of surprises, it was housefull. And the minute the audience realised I was in the theatre, there was stunned silence at first. Then there was total pandemonium. They chanted my name and screamed and shouted. I know that my fans love me and that is my reward.
I don't believe in awards.
In fact, one particular organisation which was hosting an awards show called me up and told me that if I perform for them, they will give me an award. Please do spare me, I am not that desperate that I need to resort to buying awards.
Today, I am in a position where big, A-class banners are calling me and asking me to choose my script.
Especially after the success of'Murder', I am getting so many offers. But I am taking my time as I really want to mull over the scripts. I have signed 'Kis Kis Ki Kismat' and 'Cabaret' and some top banners. 'Kis Kis Ki Kismat' is a total comedy where I play this dumb bimbo. Dharmendra is my co-star in the film and his charm is devastating. As for rumours about an affair between us, please, he is 70 years old, you know. I have grown up watching his films and now, he is the hero of my film. He is a fantastic actor and maybe because of the jat factor, we really bonded. In fact, he was so sweet, he spoke to my mum and told her, 'Guddi, don't worry about her. I am there to protect her.'So now I know that I have Dharamji's unconditional support. But it is still a struggle. I will not sit back and just enjoy my success. Now it's a hunt for good scripts and good roles. It is my responsibility. In the future, I do not want to limit myself only to Hindi films. I want to do all sorts of films including European, Hollywood films etc.
As for my current status in life, I am single and this is, believe me, more out of compulsion than of choice. I live like a nun.
My entire regime in life revolves around going from one set to another, going to the gym, coming home and watching a movie. The only man in my life is my younger brother Vikram. I do have friends in the industry of course, like Wendell Rodricks and Anita Dongre who are designing my clothes. And Farrokh Chothia who is my 'bestest' friend.
But I am still waiting for my soulmate-a man who has more balls than I do. That is my ideal man. I like older men. Yes, I do find Mahesh Bhatt extremely nice and intelligent. He's a director with guts and is somebody I look up to. He is very sensitive to women and I admire his work. I am under no illusion that I am special to him. I know he has worked with many newcomers. But yes, he has been the guiding force. He has supported and stood by me. He has blasted me each time he thought I was in the wrong, and he has the right to do. Yes, I think he is a very cute man and I will not lie about it.
I have always been positive and that shows in all the aspects of my life.
I always believed in my dreams and I'd like to tell others to always go for their dreams. Do not let any factor in your life intimidate you or cause you self doubt. When I was in Haryana, the very thought of being a Bollywood heroine was so unreal. But I was determined and I knew I would succeed. Of course, I still have a long way to go and I have no illusion that life is a patch of red roses. It's a harsh reality in Bollywood that star daughters may give 20 flops but producers will still run after them. I know I will have to continuously struggle to be successful. But I am determined and I will compete with a man, woman and a eunuch. And I know I will win.
I would like to strongly put it across to all women to be financially independent and stand on their own feet. I am not advocating a social cause or making a politically correct statement. This is something I truly believe in. I have a message for girls from the interiors of India. Through me, aspirations of small town India talk. Always remember that if a Kalpana Chawla from Karnal, a Virendar Sehwag from Najafgarh and a Mallika Sherawat from Rohtak can make it, so can you.
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